Saturday, June 7, 2014
Lord put this in my mind and heart and soul in last week's sermon.

1. Over or under desiring marriage is unhealthy. This made me reflect on how I view relationship to be too important in my life, the romance kind of relationship. Which this point makes me reflect on the idea and mindset I have is unhealthy currently. I desire too much.

2. To lead is not so much of in status but in terms of responsibilities taken up. Servanthood does not nullify leadership, it defines it. Hardship means servanthood. To lead is to protect and provide both physically and spiritually.
Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.
and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.
This puts into my heart how Lord defines leadership again, as the one who serves. This emphasis should not be ignored!

3. Marriage keeps love, not otherwise. How important it is to make an effort to interact and love each other. By chance to meet but by choice to stay.

4. The husband's role is to lead and to love. This makes me define the character of my future spouse!

5. Submission by wife means to honour and affirm the leadership position that the husband holds, even though there may be disagreements. This I never saw it as from such a perspective. I have always thought of WHY SHOULD WE SUBMIT in terms of gender equality. Now this has given me a new perspective to such an issue and it's not that bad afterall.

6. God my Lord, loves us, loves me!
Christ's Sacrifice for the Ungodly

…7For one will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. 8But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. 9Much more then, having now been justified by His blood, we shall be saved from the wrath of God through Him.…
Unconditional love from God; while we were still sinning, far away from God, God continued and continues to love us. This is so in line with how I was feeling when I thought I seem to have no one to turn to. Seems to me that Lord want to put into my heart that he loves me, that ultimately I need to seek His love and focus on Him that is enough, everything will fall into place. 

To cherish and nourish. To have a spirit in the care we speak of/show and be intentional.
Communication on a heart to heart level (45 language of love)
Pray together because since we cannot hide from God, cannot hide from each other. (How true!!)


Be willing to ask for help and consultation from wife.

Wei Ting
6:50 AM

Saturday, May 31, 2014
I know I should back off.
But when I decide to back off, I still doubt, and in the end never really did it.
Today, I decide to back off yet again, but this time, no doubts.
These thoughts has been in my head since I come to know him better.
I sort of fell for him. But know I shouldn't. Why does it feel so sinful to fall for someone I shouldn't?
Time and again I tell myself to stop all these but time and again I keep falling back into the trap.
The trap? MY OWN TRAP.
I don't want to hurt anyone. Including him, including myself.
In this haze of emotions with uncertainty I am not able to decipher my own direction.

Back off, both away from you and him.
Let nature takes it's course... but distancing, making things clear.
For you, for myself.

At least I know my Lord my God is here for me. His love surpasses earthly ones, and because of His love and mercy, I can soar. My soul finding refuge in His wings. Lord help me.




Wei Ting
1:41 AM

Monday, May 19, 2014
Have been thinking a lot and feeling a lot these days,
Too sensitive to everything sub-consciously.
Felt I was like pushed to a corner to make decisions,
And have no space to breathe my emotions.
Thank God for giving me the weekend to myself and helping me sort out my thoughts.
Thank God for not forsaking me. :)

Everything is better now. :)
Learnt that sometimes being too sensitive is not good for me.

I kept dreaming of him these days..
I've never really reflected since we parted.
But I would say him leaving left me to think about many things.
I started to look and see, that kinship as compared to love, was overlooked by me.
What I found was kinship. What I saw clearer.
I also become one who is hmm, more peacemaking when it comes to relationships?
When giving advice but let's hope I can be that clear on mine in time to come.
I don't know how he feels. I kept guessing.
All my dreams are that we get back together.
But how much do I really can accept that. Will everything be ok?
We can only start afresh, we cannot like continue, cos it'll hurt too much.
Right?
But I don't know anymore.

Wei Ting
4:44 AM

Friday, May 9, 2014
I admire yet hate your coolness.
Do you really not feel anything?
How can you not feel anything...
So you felt something and just kept it all to yourself.
Right? You know best. No? I know better.

Won't fail to make me feel that I am the one not feeling cool about it.
Feeling the desire and vulnerability.
Can you not...


Wei Ting
7:35 AM

Thursday, May 1, 2014
I think it is only when I am busy then I need alone time. 
Rather than really wanting it, having it being part of me that I must fulfill such that I always enjoy it.

Was apprehensive when I decided to watch a movie on my own that day.
Perhaps it's because of the experience of separation from friends in the movie theatre and I was just alone there, feeling a bit of loneliness but yet still trying to smile? I mean I don't grumble, because if not it'll be someone else feeling that way. But just a bit, whelmed with a tinge of sadness.
But just went ahead to Lido to watch Divergent. 


The movie was really nice! 
It got me thinking on many things and after that movie I sort of really felt I need alone time. 
And felt that hey actually alone time can be fun and good too?

First, it got me thinking, whether there is a family outside of home? 
In the movie the characters are supposed to choose what faction they want to be in and which they cannot go back to their parents or back to their faction or leave where they have chosen - meaning they will remain "factionless". Beatrice chose darkness (different from her original faction) and the leaders in there have high expectations such that they keep putting her/them into dangerous scenarios once they make even a small mistake, and that threatens their survival (death, or being "factionless")... But hey, when they chose, they welcomed her/them so happily. Almost like hypocrites.
Which I feel it's sort of sad right? But yet it seems to portray the true version of the world, the society, and some schools to that extent? Glamorous open houses and orientation camps but when you get in you'll know whats in for you that kind of thing, not much mercy to mention. Just ranks and if you cannot make it, you'll get it. I may be subjective, I don't really know, but I know I have seen people suffer around me under some of these systems. Maybe it's just part of growing up that we have to learn to deal with this, but feel that it is just so practical and mean, more so if the person worked hard. But in this movie Beatrice is a divergent; she quickly rose up the ranks. 

Second, the male protagonist is so *thumbs up*. Charming character, I like his attitude and 柔情铁汉 feel. The way he protected her. Really sweet! <3 div="">

Third, who am I? I know only I know myself best, but yet I don't feel this familiarity at the same time. Perhaps not consistent? I don't know, is it what they call identity crisis? :O This is not only with regards to this movie; I was triggered and set to think of this many times this week.

And I realized I don't feel like responding to accusations anymore. I know I didn't do it, but yet I am faced with too much of small things that I don't feel like bothering myself with it anymore...?

And I find myself needing the time to reflect and less able to really provide how I feel or think right after something, is that correct or wrong? Is that not passing judgments, or that my brain is lazy? 

And when I went to Bishan cafeteria to have lunch once, I saw all the elderly around me, some eating mixed vegetable rice, and which only have vegetables, and I look at my egg, vegetable and meat, I felt sad. Like really sad, want to do something for them. Tears sort of welled up in me but I didn't let it come down. I don't know why, but I just felt overwhelmed with sadness.

Confused~~~











Wei Ting
8:58 PM

Sunday, April 27, 2014
Very blessed, after the failed attempt at NCSS scholarship, that I am given other opportunities to get financial support through other scholarships! 

I went for the meet the deans luncheon and I don't exactly remember how the conversation was led to financial and scholarships, but it did. A/P Marcus Chiu very kindly told me that he will help me look out for scholarship opportunities. And the scholarships committee indeed got back to me with regards to the scholarships. :) Really grateful, and I know that it was you, Lord, that made this happen. 

And I came to realize, Lord you tried to comfort me, you let me chance upon a woman reading a book A case for servant leadership very recently after the failed scholarship interview. You want to tell me it is not too idealistic to believe in it when I start doubting it. Thank you!

Have been sharing this joy sub-consciously and praising Lord's work in and for me, but also have the hindsight that I may be doing this too much, such that it puts people off. I should keep in mind that though I very much want to share the joy and thanks for God, to also stand in the position of the people receiving the information.

I wonder if God you actually read my blog. But I guess no, because you already know me, even for parts of me that I have yet to discover, and have a plan for me. :)

Feeling real blessed!

Wei Ting
6:36 PM

Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Have been seeing people around me blogging, recently.
Didn't think there are still people blogging...
But realize it is really a good way: to write type it down and through this sort of make sense of my emotions and all?

Thought of doing so too but just haven't found the chance to.
Waiting for an occasion to do so: why today?
Perhaps because I will have more things to type today. 
Perhaps... today was a bit negative. But I guess I do count my blessings... didn't I?

Revived this blog with this post. But at the same time deleted all the past post except one. 
Other than the past post being a bit childish (I guess when I do grow up and look back, and the past things I've written makes me have goosebumps.), I hope doing that doesn't mean anything to me in terms of really trying to delete my past from myself, an attempt to try and tell myself that I just start anew here at this moment. Trying to be self-smart, thinking too much, complicates things. 

Sometimes I really find it hard to be able to talk to someone...
Or in a sense, finding someone that I can talk to. There are so much complications.
One is trust, in that person to be tight-lipped enough. (in a sense)
Second is sometimes I trust in someone, but sometimes I don't think I should try and initiate conversations. Because it might not be good for both parties, or even a third one. 
I don't wish to put myself in a situation that cause me to be able hurt people.
Third, some, they won't understand, because sometimes they don't even bother to really listen.
Some, you really don't want them to worry.

So, I take it upon myself, to solve my own problems, listen to my own emotions. 

People fall and stand up again. 
I can.
But I am allowed to cry too I suppose?
Because it's painful.

There's one thing I don't understand about myself. 
Perhaps it's ego?
When I work hard for my results, have self motivation and expectations, like really in studies.
And people come to show me concern, I actually start to feel like crying.
Is it really that I feel self pity I have to do this, to tire myself?
Or is it that I sub-consciously have been trying to live up to imaginary expectations I hope someone would give me? To gain acceptance? To gain attention? To feel loved? 
I really didn't realize or even recognize that I've been put under fear and stress to gain acceptance when i was young, until recently, when He tried to reveal to me why I had fear in Him. Which really broke me down because I thought it was over and it's really fine now, that I am really fine now.. But no.. I am not.
But I know with me being hurt, it's because I hurt you first. 
I am sorry, but I hope you know I really didn't mean for it to be like this. 
Deep in my heart I still desire acceptance. I want to be loved. I want to be understood.

Today, it was tested too.
All these while I had to do a lot of convincing, more than I have ever done in my life, within these three years? From National Junior College, because my mum didn't want me to be so stressed. Social Work is a long battle with my parents, I know. But I really hope they can see it. See my heart and see why I want to do this. It's not about the low pay and hard work to me. All these doesn't matter... I know I may not seem to be practical to you guys, I know you all have more experience than me to tell me, I know it's for my own good. 

In fact, I know you all are right. You are right. 

But I really want to do this. 

I need a bit more space in the little little things in life, saying this but still with respect. I recognize and thank that you were the people that took care of me, groomed me, made me grow up without worrying on whether I will be fed or will I have a place to sleep tonight. I am loved. But perhaps I am very selfish. I want to be loved my way. Feeling ridiculous as I type this out. "Feel loved, my way?"

Today's Scholarship interview didn't go as well as thought, perhaps this leader thing is not what He wants me to be in. Perhaps He wants me to not lose sightings of the ground. Or is it that He wants me to keep trying to see how much I want this?  

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."


But I know He has a plan, a plan to prosper and not to harm me. I trust in Him, but was just more than a little disappointed. Somehow I think it's on not being able to lighten my parents' burden on our School fees. And being too over confident such that I think I can get this Scholarship for sure, like really that easily. 

At home, you asked me how was the interview, I told you. You said I want to serve more at the grounds but they are looking for leaders. I thought you understood and was happy for awhile. But it turns out to be a misunderstanding? That you are still trying to discourage me from taking it. I held my tears, till the downpour came.

All these are what I feel now, it always changes. 
And it's the myopic view from the inside of me, my own perspective. 
Only what I saw heard and felt, all me alone, and not what's really the truth, I mean except the teachings of the bible and His words.

This is what You want me to know now, and I will take heed.
Today, Weiting, we believe God wants you to know that ...

all emotions grow in size when practiced regularly.

Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always.

Everything will be better, I know, because in You I trust. :)

Wei Ting
6:41 AM